Will Cookie Monster make an appearance?
Only a Muppet would sit through Biden’s State of the Union Address
Is there a single person in this country who woke up this morning and thought, “That’s right! Tonight is Biden’s State of the Union Address! Let me put a reminder in my iPhone!”
If there is, may our paths never cross.
Aside from those paid to suffer through this useless charade, I don’t see why anybody would bother to watch any State of the Union Address, let alone one delivered by a somnambulant old codger hopped up on pharmaceuticals who shifts from angry shouting to subdued mumbling in the blink of an eye.
You’ve probably noodled out that I will not be watching.
I haven’t stayed up for a SOTU since 2020.
I wouldn’t stay up to watch this even if I didn’t go to bed at 5:00 p.m. every night to ensure that I get at least six hours of sleep before the asshole shits that rent the house next door start blasting their rap music at high volumes.
It isn’t easy to endure a Joe Biden speech that lasts five minutes. An hour-long address would be impossible for me. I’d spend the entire speech on pins and needles, dreading every embarrassing gaffe and each “Grandpa’s shouting again” moment.
Just the other day, Biden cited Sesame Street muppet Cookie Monster as someone who noticed “shrinkflation.”
Yeah, really.
And he was “stunned” when he found out “that’s what actually happened.”
It’s not “what actually happened,” you dozy sod.
Cookie Monster isn’t real. It wasn’t Cookie Monster that posted that tweet. Cookie Monster’s fingers aren’t deft enough to work a smartphone keyboard because he’s a muppet!
It wouldn’t surprise me if Biden tried to get Jill to invite Mr. Monster to attend the State of the Union address so he could point to him as one of the victims of shrinkflation.
“Folks, he noticed his cookies are getting smaller because of corporate greed! That actually happened. No joke. My word as a Biden.”
Those of you who plan to watch the State of the Union address for laughs, make sure to include “Cookie Monster” on your Biden SOTU bingo card between “Protecting Democracy” and “Folks.”
But I won’t sit through an hour of old Grandpa struggling to read the gigantic print on his teleprompter, even for a laugh.
Besides, I’ve just spent the last seven days suffering from the worst Lupus flare in more than a year. I can’t bear the thought of cringing in abject embarrassment every time one of the dopey Republicans like Marjorie Taylor Greene or Lauren Boebert acts like a horse’s ass.
If I wanted that kind of entertainment, I’d watch old episodes of the Jerry Springer Show.
I can tell you how it will go tonight.
Cable news talking heads will declare Biden’s speech the best he ever delivered and explain why it set the bar too high for Donald Trump to meet. Trust me, they’ll gush over his speech no matter how bad it is (which leads me to suspect they aren’t watching it either).
Right-leaning Twitter will point out every gaffe and embarrassing moment Biden had, while Left-leaning Twitter will “well-I-never” over every random frown or lack of applause from the Republicans.
Trust me. Some left-wing media types are paying a staffer to count the number of times the Republicans fail to applaud and then report on it.
Since we already know what to expect, why would anybody watch it live?
Not one word of Joe’s speech will accurately describe the state of our Union, and by tomorrow, every word of it, except the gaffes, will already be forgotten.
We should scrap the damn show altogether and instead go back to the president simply submitting his annual State of the Union in writing. Tonight’s State of the Union address has nothing to do with fulfilling a constitutional duty; it’s a campaign speech. And since I would never even consider voting for Joe Biden, the hour would be wasted on me.