EXCLUSIVE: Behind the scenes in the Oval Office

The Wildly Inaccurate Dianny News Service presents a behind the scenes look as Barack prepared for his weepy performance in Tuesday's speech.

The Wildly Inaccurate Dianny News Service has this exclusive look behind the scenes in the Oval Office yesterday morning as Obama prepared to give his speech about guns.

A source inside the Obama Administration provided this in exchange for complete anonymity. This report allegedly shows Valerie Jarrett helping the President hit the emotional points of his speech with the assistance of an unnamed acting coach from the Actor's Studio.

ACTING COACH Okay. When needing to convey believable sadness in a scene, it is important to be able to tap in to your own personal experiences to make the sadness believable.

OBAMA Can't I just make my sad face?

ACTING COACH What's your sad face? Show me. [Pause as Obama shows his sad face] Okay, no. That looks more like you're constipated than sad. How about this? Think back to a time in your life when you were very sorrowful and grief-stricken. Maybe the death of your mother?

VALERIE Oh, that's a good one!

OBAMA The death of my mother?

ACTING COACH Yes. Can you tap back into that time, those emotions, the grief and sadness you felt?

OBAMA Now?

ACTING COACH Yes. Now.

[Pause]

ACTING COACH Okay, again, that's your constipated look. How did your mother's death make you feel?

OBAMA What do you mean?

ACTING COACH Um … what do I mean? I … well … do you remember when you heard your mother died? Can you draw on those emotions?

[Pause]

OBAMA Um. Uhhhhh. [Pause] Okay, I got nothin'.

ACTING COACH [To Valerie Jarrett] Help me out here, will you?

VALERIE Mr. President. Maybe instead of looking back at something like your mother's death, think about something else.

OBAMA Okay. Like what?

VALERIE Well, how does it make you feel to know that in another year, the taxpayers will no longer be footing the bill for your vacations?

OBAMA Hang on. What the hell?! Is that true?

VALERIE I'm afraid so, sir. As soon as you're out of office, you will no longer be able to utilize Air Force One or the White House fleet of vehicles. And if you want to rent a place in Hawaii or Martha's Vineyard, you'll have to pay the rent yourself.

OBAMA Are you freaking joking?! SERIOUSLY?!!!!

ACTING COACH Okay, that's only making him angry. We're trying for sad here. Don't make him so angry.

VALERIE Okay. Well, what do you suggest we try?

ACTING COACH I'm a Method Actor. I believe the most authentic emotions on stage come from your own well of experience. Isn't there anything that makes him sad?!

OBAMA Un-freaking-believable! I wish somebody had told me about this vacation thing!

VALERIE Honestly? I don't think much makes him sad. Can he use the anger?

ACTING COACH To appear sad? No! Anger and grief are different. They play differently on stage. If he goes up there and acts like that when he's supposed to be sad? No. It would be a disaster.

[Crashing and breaking sounds are heard in the background]

VALERIE Mr. President, please. Calm yourself. I'm sure we'll find plenty of wealthy donors who would be willing to cover the cost of your vacations after you're out of office.

OBAMA Really? You think so?

VALERIE I'll make some calls. But for now, we really have to get this down. So come back over here and have a seat.

OBAMA Fine. [Pause] I just don't see why I can't make my sad face.

ACTING COACH I strongly advise against it.

OBAMA Well, what do you know anyway? Nobody is a better actor than I am. I don't need an acting coach. I'm not Hillary for shit's sake.

VALERIE Mr. President, I cannot stress this enough. We want tears. We want you to actually begin to cry on stage. Oh! I know. [to Acting Coach] Is there any way for you to just fake the tears? Any old stage tricks to have his eyes well up without having the actual emotion?

ACTING COACH You want to fake it? Um. I guess. It's possible. I've seen actors do it. Not good actors, but …

VALERIE Okay, how's it done?

ACTING COACH Well, there's a few methods I know of. The natural method of opening your eyes really wide then blinking a lot. That sometimes can get the tear ducts working.

VALERIE Okay. Let's see if it works. Mr. President? Do that and let's see if you can get tears going.

OBAMA Do what? This?

[Opens eyes wide]

ACTING COACH Now, blink a lot. Blink like you're blinking back tears.

[Pause as he blinks]

ACTING COACH Okay, not so fast. You look like a prisoner of war trying to blink out Morse Code.

[Pause as he blinks more slowly]

VALERIE Nothing. They're dry as a bone.

OBAMA Oh, for shit's sake.

VALERIE What else can he do?

ACTING COACH Well, there is something else, but it's kind of cheating.

VALERIE Have we given you the impression that we would be opposed to cheating?

ACTING COACH Do you want me to answer that?

VALERIE No.

OBAMA Okay, so what is it?

ACTING COACH Vicks Vapor Rub. I hear it works like a charm.

VALERIE What's involved?

ACTING COACH Well, you take a little vapor rub and you rub it evenly under your eyes down here [gestures] you know, where the dark circles are. You do that right before you go out on stage. And when you're ready to, you know, look like you're crying, you just wipe at your eyes where the vapor rub is. Then you just blink a lot and in seconds, you'll have tears streaming down your face.

OBAMA What's Vicks Vapor Rub?

VALERIE Don't worry, I know what it is. Let me have someone run out to the drug store and pick up a jar.

OBAMA And this will make me look sad?

ACTING COACH It'll make you have tears. The "looking sad" is still up to you.

OBAMA But not my sad face.

ACTING COACH Sadness has to be conveyed on a number of levels -- body language, pauses and hesitation, deep breaths as if you're trying to overcome the urge to cry. Because most people, well, human beings anyway, try to fight back the urge to cry in public. So we have to see some of that internal struggle to keep yourself from crying.

OBAMA [nodding] I see. And my sad face doesn't do that?

ACTING COACH No. Not even a little.

VALERIE Okay, they're taking a Secret Service detail to pick up the Vicks Vapor Rub. So we should be golden.

ACTING COACH Don't you want to do a rehearsal?

VALERIE No time. He goes on in a half hour. Here's your fifty bucks. Now, let me remind you of the confidentiality agreement you signed and its accompanying non-disclosure clause. If we get even a whisper that you've said anything, we will have the IRS up your ass quicker than you can say "Stanislavsky Method." We clear?

ACTING COACH Crystal.

OBAMA I just can't freaking believe I won't be able to keep my free vacations. That is so not fair!!!!

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