EXCLUSIVE: Behind the scenes of Obama endorsing Hillary

An exclusive report from the Wildly Inaccurate Dianny News Service: Joe gets the bad news.

Exclusive from the Wildly Inaccurate Dianny News Service: We have a behind the scenes look in the Oval Office from when Joe Biden got the news about Barack Obama endorsing Hillary Clinton.

This exclusive report is the transcript of the conversation between Valerie Jarrett, Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden. This audio from this meeting was secretly delivered to the Wildly Inaccurate Dianny News Service by an anonymous source in the Vice President's staff.

According to the source, Mr. Biden only recently discovered the Voice Memo feature on his iPhone and has been enjoying making recordings of himself pretending to be Perry Como. Unfortunately, the Vice President tends to forget to turn the voice memo off when he's done playing with it. As a result, the audio of this meeting was captured.

I have dutifully transcribed the meeting and will spare you the agony of having to listen to the first fifteen minutes of the audio where Joe was singing "What Kind of Fool Am I?" "Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo" "Papa Loves Mambo" and "It's Impossible."

Obama Have a seat Joe. We need to talk.

Biden [singing] "Papa loves mambo. Mama loves Mambo." [clears his throat] This won't take long, right? I am in the middle of something really important.

Valerie No. Not long.

Obama Listen, Joe. I know we talked about my staying out of the race and not endorsing Hillary. But--

Biden Right! You'll get Loretta to drop the hammer, and then I'll ride in at the Convention and save the day!

Valerie Things have changed.

Biden You're gonna fly me in from the ceiling?! Like that scene in "Phantom of the Opera?"

Obama Look, Joe. We have to scrap the plan.

Biden I'm gonna rise up from a hole in the Convention stage?

Valerie Barack has to endorse Hillary.

Biden Right. I get it. Make her feel like she's safe and then BAMMO! I show up at the Convention and get the nomination.

Obama Sorry, Joe. But no.

Biden Hey! You're a poet and you don't know it!

Valerie The emails that we instructed Mrs. Clinton to delete. She didn't delete.

Obama Not only did she not delete them; she didn't even turn them over to the State Department so they could "accidentally" lose them.

Biden What emails?

Obama The ones between Hillary and me. MY emails! All of them! Including the ones about … look, these emails can't come out!

Valerie Mrs. Clinton contacted me through a cut-out. She's made hard copies, she's copied them to several dozen flash drives and has them in the care of attorneys loyal to the Clintons. Not to mention stashed in safe deposit boxes from here to San Francisco.

Biden [singing] "He goes to, she goes fro. He goes fast, she goes slow." So, what does that mean?

Valerie Well, the message was clear. Barack either endorses Hillary or she releases those emails.

Obama To the Drudge Report! That bitch is going to send them to freaking Matt Drudge!!!!

Valerie And Megyn Kelly.

Biden That Megyn Kelly. Hotsie-totsie! Let me tell you, there was not one girl at Syracuse University with legs like hers when I was there! I've been trying to get her to interview me for years. Just so I could nuzzle her a little between takes.

Valerie Stay on task, Joe.

Biden Okay, so you pretend you're endorsing Hillary to throw her off our scent, then we keep working behind the scenes to --

Obama You're not listening, Joe. We can't pull the switch at the Convention. If we do--

Valerie Those emails could destroy this Administration. You understand Joe? The ramifications … if that information got out … let's just say it would not be good.

Biden What about setting off an EMT?

Valerie If she hadn't made hard copies, we would. But--

Obama This is a disaster.

Biden So I don't get to run for President?

Valerie I'm afraid not.

Biden You should have just let me enter the race last summer.

Obama I couldn't! Don't you understand?! She promised me if I kept you out of the race that she'd destroy the emails.

Valerie The bitch lied. Big surprise.

Biden But I've been working on my story about how Beau came to me in a dream and told me to take up the mantle and run. It's a real tear-jerker. You telling me, I can't use it?!

Valerie You have to understand, Joe--

Obama That lying witch has us by the short curlies.

Biden My hair plugs?

Valerie Jesus Christ.

Obama You understand that I have to go out there and endorse that bitch?! I have to stand there and talk about how qualified she is. ON CAMERA!

Valerie And as soon as he's done, he has to meet with Loretta.

Biden So, Hillary isn't getting indickted?

Valerie No.

Obama If we indict her, she's going to drag me down with her. You understand?! She's going to sink my entire Administration! My legacy.

Valerie Forget your legacy. You'll end up in prison. All of us will.

Biden Wow. That's kinda mean of her.

Obama You think?!

Valerie Look, Joe. We just wanted you to know ahead of time so you aren't blindsided this afternoon.

Biden Blindsided about what?

Obama Oh, for shit's sake.

Valerie That Barack is endorsing Hillary.

Biden Oh, that. Okay. [fumbling and odd noises are heard] Huh. Would'ja look at that? I forgot to… [audio cuts out]