Behind the scenes as Hillary learns the bad news

Wanted to be a fly on the wall? Thanks to the Wildly Inaccurate Dianny News Service, you can!

From the Wildly Inaccurate Dianny News Service: Thanks to our intrepid reporter, we have this exclusive peek behind the scenes as Hillary Clinton and her close campaign staff learn the bad news about Trump winning the White House.

The following is a transcript of the secretly recorded audio.

Unintelligible yelling and crashing is heard.

HILLARY Wisconsin?! That motherf*cker won Wisconsin?!

PODESTA Madam Secretary, not every outlet has called Wisconsin yet. We don’t know—

HILLARY Madam President Elect! How many times do I have to tell you!! It’s Madam President Elect!!!

PODESTA Of course.

HILLARY Bad enough I lost Florida, North Carolina and Ohio. But Wisconsin?!!! Stupid cheese heads! And don’t even get me started on those ungrateful Cubans and Haitians in Florida!

PODESTA Madam Sec… um … Madam President Elect, we still are hoping Pennsylvania turns in our favor.

HILLARY Well, it damn well better! That asshole Kenney promised me he’d deliver one hundred percent of Philly! And has he?!

PODESTA Um. It’s looking more like eighty-two percent.

HILLARY Eighty-two percent?! Do you mean to tell me eighteen percent of those idiots in Philly voted for TRUMP?!

PODESTA I’m afraid so.

HILLARY Well, what the blazing f*ck is the point of paying those assholes to organize all that f*cking fraud in Philly if it doesn’t give me one hundred percent of the vote?!

PODESTA Well, you still may take Pennsylvania.

HILLARY Without one hundred percent in Philly?! Are you shitting me?! You know those yahoos in the rest of the state won’t vote for me. I need a clean sweep in Philly!

HUMA Madam President Elect?

HILLARY Give me some good news, Huma.

HUMA We’ve managed to convince the news outlets to hold off calling Pennsylvania. We even convinced CNN and MSNBC not to call Wisconsin for Trump.

HILLARY What about Fox?!

HUMA Well. Fox, uh, they called Wisconsin.

HILLARY That f*cking Megyn Kelly is such a snake! She promised me!!!

HUMA I know. But at least now the optics make it look like you still have a chance.

HILLARY Yeah. Fat lot of good optics do me. Jesus Christ! This was supposed to be a cake-walk! You promised me this would be a cake-walk! A formality!

NICK MERRILL Madam Secretary—

Crashing sound is heard.

MERRILL Sorry. Madam President Elect? Um. I just … uh … we lost—

Shrieking is heard.

MERRILL --Pennsylvania. Trump has 274. And that doesn’t even include Arizona, Alaska and Michigan.

More crashing and unintelligible shouting is heard.

PODESTA Nick, you better get some ice on that.

HILLARY Where’s the f*cking Secret Service agent who went out to get me another f*cking case of Grey Goose?!

PODESTA I sent Robby. I thought it was probably a good idea to keep the agents here to protect us … er … um … you.

MERRILL The thing is Madam Sec … um … President Elect. We’re keeping the press from announcing Pennsylvania, but it doesn’t matter.

HILLARY For f*ck’s sake.

NICK And the problem is, we didn’t prepare a concession speech, and your supporters are waiting –

HILLARY You told me I wouldn’t need a concession speech, John! You promised me!!!!

More loud crashing.

HUMA You better put some ice on that, John. (whispers) and get the Diazepam pen.

PODESTA (whispering) If we do that, we can’t send her out on stage.

More crashing and smashing is heard.

HUMA And if we don’t do that and send her on stage? You know what’ll happen.

Unintelligible yelling and shrieking is heard. The sound of several people running away, doors slamming.

UNKNOWN STAFFER No! Madam Sec …. I mean … Madam President Elect! Please! No! I didn’t— Eeeeeeyaaaaaah!!!!

More running and doors slamming.

UNIDENTIFIED SECRET SERVICE AGENT Madam Secretary, I’m not letting you out of this headlock until you calm down. Now calm down!

HILLARY Get your f*cking hands off me. Don’t ever touch me!!!!!! Who the f*ck do you think you are?! I’m the f*cking President Elect of the United States!!!!

A struggle is heard.

AGENT Now! Inject her now!!!

A loud shriek, then silence.

HILLARY Oh … awwwww. Have I ever told you that you have the prettiest eyes?! I love you guys. I really really do.

PODESTA Nick. Get the team together to write the speech. We’ll hold off until the morning. Have it ready for her to give at nine-thirty.

HILLARY (singing) Hail to the Chief, she’s the Chief and she needs hailing!

HUMA You better make it ten-thirty.

HILLARY (singing) I’m too sexy for my pantsuit. Too sexy for my pantsuit. I’m so sexy it cute!

PODESTA I’ll tell the press ten-thirty, but we’ll keep her under wraps until eleven-thirty.

HUMA Yeah. Good idea.

HILLARY (still singing) Oh yeah, baby, oh yeah I, ohhhhh, oh, yes, I like that I did not come to play with you hoes, haha

CHERYL MILLS Sorry to interrupt. But I just got off the phone with the Saudis.

PODESTA Dear God.

CHERYL Yeah. They heard about Trump. Now they want their money back.

HILLARY (still singing) I came to slay, bitch I like cornbreads and collard greens, bitch Oh, yes, you besta believe it

HUMA I think we better take her home.

PODESTA Use the back way. For God’s sake. Use the back way.

HILLARY (still singing) I got a hot sauce in my bag, swag

PODESTA I’ll go down and tell everybody to go home. You get her out of here. And, Nick. Get that speech written!

HUMA Come on, Madam Secretary.

HILLARY Call me Madam President. I like how that sounds.